After – Continued: The Backstory

Roxanne was my first. She was always precocious and smart, an old soul my friends used to say. She and her sister, who was only 17 months younger, were best friends. In fact, her little sister was a late talker because Roxanne just talked for her. Roxanne was also very open and honest. She never bothered lying to us. She would tell the truth with such fearlessness, even when she had made a mistake. But that was the way we tried to raise our kids. Everyone is loved fiercely and totally unconditionally, and accountability is a trait to be revered. So I don’t think she ever felt the need to lie. She was also very organized. We never had to question if her homework was done or if she had studied for a test. She was always on top of all of her responsibilities. Whether it was schoolwork or horses, she was dedicated and methodical about whatever her task was.

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By the time Roxanne was a senior in high school, she was Vice President of the National Honor Society, was on her way to competing at the preliminary level in Three Day Eventing, and had been dating the same boy for a couple of years. Roxanne decided she was going to go to the same college as her boyfriend. We tried persuading her that that wasn’t a good idea. How many times have we seen what happens to most of those relationships? But she could not be swayed. She firmly believed this was the love of her life and that they were going to spend the rest of their lives together. So off she went to college with stars in her eyes and by the end of that school year the relationship had ended badly. Roxanne was devastated. She decided not to go back to the same school in the fall and she enrolled in the local community college until she decided what her next step would be. She continued horseback riding and competing in three day eventing. She started working for me part time, but she was lost. At 19, her sense of self worth was totally stripped away. The future she had been so sure of was totally obliterated and she was completely knocked off balance.

I was trying to convince her to see a therapist when she met a man. I’m still not sure to this day where or how she met him because this is when Roxanne became someone that none of us knew any longer. His name was Trip and he was 29 years old, he had two children from two prior relationships, and he was from a totally foreign socio economic background. I expressed my concern that this man was ten years older and was from a different world, a world that she could not even imagine. But it was the perfect storm. She was struggling to find her place and her self esteem. He bought her flowers and told her he wanted to become a part of her world. He made her feel special. But Roxanne also started behaving strangely and lying about where she’d been, things she’d never done before. She had never kept secrets and when she had broken rules she had always been truthful about her actions. So this was completely out of character for her. I was really becoming concerned about this new influence in her life.

One day I found drug paraphernalia in her bedroom. When I confronted her about it she admitted that she had been chopping up pills and snorting them. She tried to act like this was not a big deal, tried to minimize it. I assured her that it actually was a big deal. I insisted that she start seeing a therapist. I also told her that if she was going to continue to see Trip that I was not going to fund the relationship, since it was obvious that this behavior began when the relationship with him began. I took away the credit card that I had given her when she had gone away to college, and told her if she wanted to do drugs and continue to make poor decisions, I would always be there for her emotionally, but I wasn’t going to help her pay for reckless and self destructive choices.

So Roxanne began seeing a therapist. She claimed that she had broken off her relationship with Trip. But her demeanor was still suspicious. One day I found an unfamiliar cell phone laying around the house. Then I realized it was a cell phone Trip had given her so she could stay in contact with him without us knowing. There were text messages from him telling her the lies she should tell us in order to deceive us about their relationship. This was in the hope that she could still have her credit card and continue to see him. I was so angry and hurt and disappointed. It was clear to me that this person was not only a vile influence but also did not have Roxanne’s best interest at heart and certainly wasn’t really interested in becoming a welcomed part of her life.

The situation spiraled ever downward after this. I could see the effect Trip was having on Roxanne but I could not get Roxanne to see it. My fears that he would use his age and life experience to manipulate my oldest daughter were materializing right before my eyes. We picked her up from his house on a couple of occasions when she was so stoned she could barely keep her head up. But whenever we tried to address our concerns with her it always turned volatile. I finally had to relinquish control and swallow my fear. The more I expressed my concern and anxiety about the decisions she was making, the more rebellious and deceitful she became.

Roxanne was living with Trip in his mother’s basement. One day we received a call from the police saying that Trip had been arrested for selling drugs to undercover police while he was driving Roxanne’s car, which was titled in my husband’s name. We took the car away, which made Trip terribly upset. He wrote us an email telling us how unfair we were being. We had to explain personal accountability to him, and make clear that, in our family, if you are arrested for selling drugs in a car that we purchased for you, then you are no longer entitled to have that car. Somehow, months later, the charges were dropped against Trip for this arrest.

Less than a year later, Roxanne was pregnant with our first grandchild. That’s when we decided we were going to do everything in our power to make sure everyone, Trip included, was getting their life together and on track. Roxanne and Trip moved into a townhouse. We got them a little Honda hatchback instead of the sporty little car that we took away when Trip was arrested. Both of them had jobs, everyone and everything seemed to be headed in the right direction. Trip had been trying to make amends with our family and had been trying to show us that he could be someone that we could trust and would take care of our daughter and grandson. Roxanne was so happy. Motherhood suited her. She glowed with the love she held for that precious baby.

Then on our grandson’s first birthday, Trip was arrested, again, for selling drugs to an undercover police officer. We were all distressed, dumbfounded, and concerned. It was especially troubling because now there was an innocent child in a home where drugs may be present. Roxanne was also unsettled. It was like she was just worn down, didn’t know how to handle this derailment. But she and Trip assured us that this was a one time mistake, no one was using drugs or keeping drugs in the house. Trip said that he had participated in this one time transaction as a favor to a friend. Also, he claimed he wanted to make some extra cash because Roxanne’s birthday was coming up and he wanted to get her a nice gift. Did we really have to explain that this was unacceptable, that wise decisions were more important than an expensive gift? We did explain it and voiced our outrage and disappointment. However, we hadn’t seen any indication that Roxanne or Trip were using drugs since before Roxanne had become pregnant. So we did feel somewhat relieved about that.

While Trip was waiting for his case to go to trial, their lives continued on a normal and productive path. They moved in to a townhouse closer to us. As opposed to living an hour and a half away, they now lived about 40-45 minutes away. Roxanne also became pregnant with her second child, a baby girl, who was born just a few months before Trip pled guilty to his distribution charges. Trip was sentenced to about 18 months in jail. Roxanne came and stayed with us for a couple of months after he left to serve his sentence. But then Trip told Roxanne that Irisa, his nine year old daughter from a previous relationship, was going to have to move in with her. So she went back to her house and had to get Irisa registered in school. This was an enormous responsibility for Roxanne. She was 23 years old with a two year old, a five month old, and now a nine year old, who had only ever visited them for holidays, to care for.

Roxanne was certainly on the go and stressed while Trip was serving his sentence. Irisa stayed with Roxanne for the remainder of the school year. Roxanne also started working at the salon where her uncle is a successful hair stylist. Trip was calling and sending letters expressing his anxiety and lack of control of the situation. It seemed that Roxanne resorted to appeasing him since it was easier to just smile and nod than to try to argue your point or to make him see that he may not be rational about certain subjects. For example, Trip believed the HIV/government genocide conspiracy rumor. Whenever I asked Roxanne about these issues she’d just shake her head and say, “Mom, I have tried to talk to him about it. It’s just not worth it.” So although life was full and sometimes chaotic, she seemed to have a little more of that self confidence that she had lost just a few short years before.

When Trip came home after serving his sentence, their lives truly seemed to be moving in a positive direction. Trip was working for the same restaurant that he’d been working for before he left. They had continually said how much they liked Trip and what a great worker he was. He was meeting with his probation officer. They had moved into a single family home and the children began preschool. Roxanne was still working for the salon and was promoted to assistant manager. When our family friend and I started an event and floral design business, Roxanne and her sister wanted to be a part of it. They’re both very creative and this was a great outlet for them both.

Trip was never an active participant in family functions. He was usually just in the background, sitting on the couch watching t.v. Sometimes he’d even leave and then come back, usually with some kind of take out food for himself. As time went on he participated even less, leaving Roxanne to carry gifts and leftover food to the car after birthday parties or holidays. He left his job at the restaurant after only a few months. He started working at a vape shop, but that only lasted a few months also. He seemed to jump from job to job. After about a year or so, they decided that Trip would stay home to take care of the kids so that Roxanne could devote more of her time to our business. The problem was she could never really rely on him to actually do what he was allegedly staying home to do. Roxanne would have to leave to go and pick up the kids in the middle of working on a project because something always came up that kept Trip from doing what he needed to do. When family or friends expressed their displeasure with Trip I always said that as long as Roxanne was happy and he treated her well, it was none of our business. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I had expressed my concerns more fervently.

As time moved always on, Trip seemed to distance himself more and more from our family. There were exceptions, of course. When he wanted to purchase something or wanted to go on a vacation that they couldn’t afford, that’s when we’d hear from him. And he was always polite and warm when we actually did speak. Eventually, when Irisa was in middle school, she came to live with Roxanne and Trip again. But Roxanne was the one who took her and the children to karate. Roxanne was the one who took Irisa to her therapy sessions. Trip just refused to participate, even though the therapist expressed over and over that she’d like Trip to come to the sessions. His behavior was becoming more and more frustrating to Roxanne. She would vent about it but was always very defensive whenever anyone else expressed their frustration.

In the last year of her life she experienced a couple of losses that made her perspective change. First, her grandmother passed away in December of 2016. Then in February of 2017, just two months later, Trip’s mother passed away quite unexpectedly. Although she was saddened by these losses, they also jarred her. She decided to start doing things that she enjoyed and taking better care of herself, physically and emotionally. She continued to see the same therapist she had been seeing for years. But she also started working out, going to karate classes, and she started horseback riding again. One day after riding, she was found crying in the tack room as she cleaned her tack. When asked why she was crying she simply said that she had forgotten how much she loved riding and she was so happy to be back in the saddle. She also started doing more things with the children, even if Trip didn’t participate. In fact, just a couple of weeks before she left this world, she and the kids had met her siblings for a picnic and to go fishing. They were planning to do it again in the coming weeks. But tragedy struck before that day arrived.

To be continued…

• Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.