The Beginning of After

Twenty-eight years ago she was the first. The first to teach me the true meaning of unconditional love and of loving someone so much that you’d gladly give your own life for hers. She was the first to teach me what motherhood truly felt like and my love for her made me want to be the best mother that I could be. She was the first to teach me what being a grandmother felt like; the first to give me the pride and joy that you hear other grandparents talking about but never truly understand until you hold your own child’s child in your arms. And tragically, she is the first, and I pray only, to make me face my worst fear, the fear that every parent holds in silence and in the dark corners of our hearts, the fear that we don’t speak of so as not to tempt fate or the devil, the fear of losing a child. I pray that there is a lesson in this, too, that I will learn from her.

When Roxanne was born everyone said how much she looked and acted like me. As she became a young woman and began making her own decisions and choices in life I started questioning whether or not I had taught her well enough. I mean, she was the first. Did I spend enough time explaining the ways of life? Had I actually set a good example or was there too much “do as I say and not as I do”? Would she learn from the mistakes that I had made in my own life? I always wanted my kids to be independent thinkers and to be self-confident. Then one day I realized, she IS like me, she was listening. She lived her life with no regrets. The decisions she made were made for herself and not for me or anyone else. And the one regret I have is that I may not ever have expressed how proud I was of her for that. I’m so proud that she stood her ground in life. She made her choices with confidence and lived her own truth and that is exactly how I raised her. She was fierce!

Roxanne was also fiercely loyal. In fact, the first tattoo that she got was the Persian word for loyalty on her wrist. And she gave herself and her love completely. She gave the world two beautiful and smart children of her own, Christian and Eden. Plus, our family gained two more grandchildren, Isis and Q. Roxanne loved them with all her heart and soul. That’s the only way she knew how to love. And now that she is no longer with us, I am so grateful for the children that will be her legacy.

But a part of my legacy is now missing. There is no doubt that part of me is gone. When your children are born you spend the rest of your life caring for and loving them more than yourself. Of course when you hear about a mother losing a child your heart breaks for them. And as I have said, it is indeed a mother’s deepest fear. I pray everyday that my children are safe and protected and that no harm comes to them. I didn’t think that I’d be able to survive the loss of one of my children. And yet, here I am. I wake up surprised that I’m still here every day. Sometimes I wonder how it is possible. But I’m beginning to understand that it must be like losing a body part. One can survive the loss of a limb but one will never be quite the same again. I read this about a mother’s grief: “She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, and she is NOT, all at once. She is here but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.” And that describes it so well. I will forever be a ghost of the whole woman I used to be because a part of me has moved on. And until the day that we meet again my soul will be fragmented.

So, even though my heart is broken and I know that it will never be the same again, I will find comfort in knowing just how much Roxanne touched so many people’s lives. I’m afraid she left us without understanding just how much she was loved and by so many. Of course, I always thought she was one of the brightest stars ever to grace this planet, but she was my child. I feel that way about all of my children, whom I now will hold even closer to me. But the outpouring of love for Roxanne that I have witnessed since she left us from everyone she met has really meant more to me than you will know. Just knowing that she touched so many people’s lives is heart warming. A friend of a friend wrote something that truly spoke to me. He said if Roxanne’s passing causes you to give “with greater intensity your affection and love upon… family and others; if it causes you to ease the suffering of strangers with the balm of sympathy and concern; if it causes you to stand before the blind fury of an unforgiving, cold universe and burn with even greater passion for the things that bring permanent happiness over those that offer temporary pleasure; if …it causes you to rededicate yourself …to writing a beautiful subscript to your own mortality, to …making your life during its brief hour in this world a tiny glittering star in the cosmic darkness, then …you would achieve true emancipation of the mind and …thereby giving this beautiful young woman the best afterlife there is, which is to have a lasting, admirable influence on the lives of others. Thus she will love from the grave. Thus she will go to the stars. This is how your Misfortune can become Good Fortune. Thus we have a wonderful paradox: Fortunate Misfortune.” And since she has gone we have felt her love and kindness in ways that none of us expected, like she is whispering in our ears messages of endearment. I know that her sister has felt it. And as an example, I was feeling resentful towards someone that I had not heard from. As I sat down and was typing up a message to this person, I received a text from them telling me how they had been thinking of me for over a week but hadn’t known what to say. It was as if Roxanne was saying, “Only love and light, please do not allow my death to cause any negativity.” And so I’m going to try to learn from this because Roxanne was the first to teach me so many lessons in this life and I refuse to allow this loss to be in vain. Though we hear these lessons everyday I don’t know that I’ve ever really felt them more than now. Savor every moment you have here, and love with all your heart. Tell the ones you love that you love them often because we never know when we will lose the sun. So enjoy the light with every breath you take but never take the warmth on your face for granted because when it’s gone it is a very dark and cold day.