Ghost Mom aka Shadow Woman

I just want to climb in bed, curl myself into the fetal position, and pull the covers over my head. I could probably stay there in a semi-comatose state for the rest of my life. The day Roxanne died, time stopped for me. And yet it has gone on for the rest of the world. I see it…when I raise the covers, pull on some sweats, and cross the threshold. I see people driving in their cars, going to work, taking their kids to soccer practice, meeting a client for lunch, reviewing papers at Starbucks. And nevertheless, I usually have to remind myself what day it is. It confounds me that somehow the Earth has continued to turn, the  clocks to spin. Sometimes I just want to scream, “Don’t you know??? Nothing matters anymore!!! It all stopped mattering on October first!”

At the exact same time, I know that I have three other children and a husband who are hurting and lost, also. I have grandchildren who have lost their mother and a son in law who has lost his wife. I have work that needs to get done if we are going to continue to have food on the table and a roof over our heads. I own several businesses that require, at least, my signature in order to operate. In fact, I have so many jobs, I could barely keep track of them when my world hadn’t imploded. So I need to be able to function, minimally, but function no less.

All of this means that 90% of the time that I’m awake, I live my life on the edge of a panic attack. Getting dressed and putting makeup on is almost miraculous. Going out in public to actually be in working order feels like I may not survive. Sometimes I think that each time is getting incrementally easier and then one day it’s as if the grim reaper showed up at the grocery store and I can’t get out of there fast enough.

That’s not even the worst of it. I don’t know how to act anymore. Honestly, I can’t control myself most of the time anyway. For example, if I have a dentist appointment. I don’t know if my dentist knows that I’ve just lost my daughter and I know I don’t look or act anything like I was before. So, how do you act? What do you say? Usually I just burst into tears when I’m approached and can’t speak for a few minutes and then I have to explain. At that point I’ve just made everyone super uncomfortable. But let’s say the dentist does know. Then I’m just anxiously waiting for them to bring it up, because again, I’m never sure how I’m going to react. I may smile graciously and thank them for their condolences or I may burst into uncontrollable sobbing. The bottom line is I feel completely out of control! I am constantly teetering on the edge of delirium and I could easily slide right out of control… or at least that’s my fear. I try to reserve those moments for when I’m alone, but you never know.

I am so lucky that I have friends and family to support me, though. I receive phone calls just about daily from concerned loved ones who just want to check in on me. I appreciate that they are thinking of me and want to make sure I’m alright, and I say that with true sincerity. But I usually can’t bring myself to answer the phone. I feel like I am doing ok, relatively speaking. I’m not ignoring or stuffing my feelings, however, as I mentioned earlier, I do need to function. Talking on the phone is not something I’m totally capable of usually. If I actually answered most phone calls, I’d just wind up in an inoperable heap. Speaking just brings all the emotions right up to the surface and it can be defeating. Thank God for texting! I can respond via text much easier than talking to people. I hope that’s not rude on my part, because I am so grateful that I have friends and family who care, and I want to reassure them that I am ok. So, if you call me and I don’t answer but you later receive a text from me, please understand that I am not ignoring you and I am not trying to brush you aside. I am grateful for you and this is the only way I can express that right now.

This week has been especially difficult. It’s the first holiday without Roxanne. Some days it has felt like it all just happened. I cannot fathom the rest of my life without her in it. I cannot! My kids are the most important people in the world to my husband and me. And since my girls have become adults, they have become two of my best friends. Over this holiday week I kept expecting to hear Roxanne’s voice asking “Mom! What time should we be there for Thanksgiving?” and her worrying about the upcoming holiday rush. And then I have to remind myself that I’m not ever going to hear her at all. I have a “Bathroom Guest Book” in our guest bathroom, just a silly book that people can leave funny messages in . Roxanne wrote in that book a lot, especially on holidays. I opened it the other day and turned to the last filled page and there was her entry in the guest book from Thanksgiving last year.  She had drawn a little turkey and made some amusing remarks… and that’s when it hits me. She’ll never sign my guest book again, no more of her sarcasm or goofy doodles. It makes me want to keep my kids right here, in their old bedrooms, close to me, under my wings. I can’t take the thought of losing them, also. I cried today when my youngest son left to go back to college! He’ll be back in two weeks. But panic rose in my throat! My oldest son has taken off a semester and won’t be going back to school until the beginning of the year. I’m already feeling anxious about that day. But I have to reign myself back in so that I don’t increase their fear and loss, so they don’t feel like they’ve lost me along with Roxanne. I’m supposed to be the anchor and the touchstone.

So I travel through life as an apparition right now. I’m here but I’m not ever fully here. I can focus for short bursts and then I fade into the shadow. I feel like I’m letting my family down sometimes because I’m just not able to give them my all. But I don’t have it all to give anymore. I’m working on it, though. I’m trudging through time and space and I hope I’ll become something close to whole again one day. I know I’ll not ever be truly complete but I want to be able to give what I do have completely and fully to the ones I love and to those who love me. So, ghost mom/shadow woman will strive to make her way back to opacity, day by day. I’m taking some advice from Jacob Marley. I’m trying not to forge a chain that leaves me bound and doomed to wander without rest and peace and trying to make mankind (or at least rejoining mankind) my business yet again.