A Force To Be Reckoned With

One year ago, December 15th, 2016, my mother passed away at the age of 91. I was still grieving the loss of that light from my life when I lost my daughter, Roxanne. We all know that one day we will have to say goodbye to our parents, though none of us wants to face that day. Even though losing my daughter has overshadowed the loss of my mother,  I’d like to say a little bit about this most remarkable woman because she had the greatest impact and influence on my life. She was more than just my mother. She was the matriarch of our clan, and her passing marked the end of an era for us. She was the glue that held us together, the history keeper, moral compass, and the lifeline that so many of us reached for over the years.

She was born Shirley Cordelia Millican on May 2^nd, 1925 to Claude and Reeva Millican. She was the youngest of seven, four brothers and three sisters. She was also the most selfless person I’ve ever met. She put everyone’s needs before her own, the consummate caregiver. I suspect much of that came from Mary, the woman who raised her. Mary was Shirley’s aunt, the sister of her father. When Mom was just two years old, her mother died during childbirth. That’s when her aunt, Mary, who was 22 years old at the time and engaged to be married, broke off her engagement, moved into her brother’s two bedroom home, and became mother to her seven nieces and nephews. (I’d just like you to take a moment and try to envision that scenario today.) I believe that is where my mother got her rare combination of compassion, empathy, and strength, her desire to keep her loved ones safe and happy, and her charitable heart.

But what truly defined my mother was her devotion, her devotion to her family, friends, and her faith in God. No matter what or who you were, once she had taken you into her heart there was nothing that she would allow to tear you away, unless you chose it. Her love was unconditional. As a child and younger woman, I never realized how rare that trait was in the world. And though, on occasion it may have lead to some sorrow, she never allowed it to break her spirit nor lost her faith in her fellow man.

I think about what she saw and lived through in her life, try to view the world through her eyes. But I cannot fathom it. She lived through the Great Depression, World War II, the Korean and Viet Nam wars. She was here when there was segregation and the Civil Rights movement. She sang and danced to big band music as a young woman (well, truthfully she never gave that up) and had a daughter who loved Led Zeppelin. She rolled with the times but stayed true to herself.

When you think of my mom I hope you think of her as a woman before her time. Mom was trained as a surgical nurse for WWII, but the war ended before she was needed in the field. She was then an RN at Alexandria Hospital for 20 years in the newborn nursery. She retired when she married my dad at age 40. Though, this is not that unusual today, first marriages at this age were not common at all in 1965. My parents adopted me three years later. She was a 43 year old new mom in 1968 when I’m sure the median age for new mothers was probably somewhere around 20 years old. Then in 1976, when my father was killed in a robbery at our family restaurant/motel, she became a single mom. And though that was becoming more frequent at the time it was again not the norm. I’m sure none of it was easy but I never realized just how difficult it must have been because she never let it show. She did it all. She was both mom and dad to me. She visited and cared for her mother, Mary, twice a day who was in a nursing home. My father’s mother moved in with us full time shortly after his death, as Alzheimer’s disease was rapidly taking over her mind. And she was dealing with the business/estate issues left behind by my father’s death. These were the cards that life had dealt her, so she did her best and carried on, the true Southern way. I will always admire her grace and fortitude, especially now that I’m an adult and realize the immense stress she must have been under.

The only disappointment I ever had with my mom was her inability to see herself as others surely must have seen her. She always saw herself as the ugly duckling or the pudgy girl. She never saw herself as the strong, independent woman she so clearly was. She never saw the beauty that everyone else saw in her, both physically and spiritually. But she was most definitely one of the most beautiful souls I have ever known and I hope that now she sees that, too.

I believe the reason my mother was able to handle so much, with such finesse, is because of her sense of humor, and through the love and emotional support of her family and close friends, her ability to find respite through music or poetry or a Broadway musical, and always, her faith in God. When I think of her and our family I think of laughter. I remember hearing her and her sisters’ raucous laughter from the kitchen as they were preparing a holiday meal. I remember every night at 11 p.m. she and her best friend, Aunt Irene, would have their daily phone call. I remember her soothing my fears and anxiety by rocking and singing to me. There are too many things to list, but I will always remember.

One of the most important gifts my Mom gave to me was her love of nature. She loved flowers and always had a beautiful garden and grew her own tomatoes every summer. Spring was her favorite time of year. She loved to see the trees, which had just been bare and bleak, blossom with lush greenery and wake to bloom again. And now she’s gone on to bloom again. I will try to hold that close to my heart and hopefully one day that joy will completely replace my heartache. But I fear nothing can replace a mother’s love, the comfort that just her voice could bring, or the calm that came from the touch of her hand. My main solace now is knowing that she was there with so much love and joy, just waiting to greet Roxanne. When I think of all the strong, humorous, and loving women who are together on the other side, I can only imagine the power they must generate. So I am going to try to focus on the fact that we now have a force watching over us, and it is a force to be reckoned with.