The Robe

I’ve had so many people say that there was a memory or a poem that they wanted to share with me because it reminded them of Roxanne but they didn’t want to make me sadder or dampen my spirits if I was having a good day. I appreciate their consideration and their empathy. But I’d also like to remind people that the reasons you want to share these things with me are because you love Roxanne. And these mementos are meant to call to mind that love. That can never make me sorrowful.

Also, grief is like a robe you wear. It’s always there even when you’re smiling, or working, or doing the day-to-day chores of your life. You never forget that it’s there. You carry it with you no matter what is going on externally. Don’t misunderstand when I’m having a good day and I’m able to laugh and smile, that robe is still there. I haven’t forgotten it. That would be virtually impossible. There are days when it feels heavier than others but it is always with me.

The point is when you have something that you’ve thought of sharing with me and then became fearful of reminding me of my grief do not fear. It’s still there regardless of anything you do or say. And I truly appreciate that you’d like to take that robe away from me, but you cannot. Just as you could never take my love for Roxanne away, you can only remind me that there are others who love her and miss her just like I do. Sharing your memories of her make me feel less alone in this robe of grief.

Please understand grief isn’t something you can just ignore or run from or shake off. The more you try to take that robe off the heavier it will become until it forces you to acknowledge it, wear it, deal with it. Grief is a process you have to work through. You have to let it happen. You have to feel the feelings. You have to grieve or that robe will weigh you down, becoming heavier and heavier. So even though your thoughts, or your poem, or your photo may bring me tears do not fear those either. They are grief’s most frequent expression and they have to happen.

Never be afraid to share something that you think may make me think of Roxanne. She’s never gone from my thoughts. Never be afraid to share something that you think may remind me that she’s gone. I will never forget. Never be afraid to share your grief because you think it may make me sadder. It will only help us both feel less alone in our sadness. I will always feel an enormous sense of gratitude and pride knowing that Roxanne was loved and appreciated so much by so many.

And now I’d like to share this poem that my “adopted” daughter, Bridgitte, shared with me today. She is grieving the loss of her mother just this week, as well as the loss of Roxanne. I’m sorry you have to wear that robe. Although you can’t hide from it you have people who love you to help carry it.

As I stand on the mountaintop, as the great bird approaches. She is small in my sight, but grows larger on approach until I am blessed with the full sight of her graceful wings, proud countenance and good company. All too quickly, she grows small again on the horizon and disappears from view. And I call out, “Look, there. She’s gone.” But there are other mountaintops beyond me. And at the precise moment when I note the great bird’s departure from my view, I know there are new eyes taking up the sight of her. And fresh voices calling out, “Here she comes!”