If Only…

Today I was looking through old photos for a project I’m working on. And I wasn’t even looking for photos of you. But there you were in every memory of my life after the age of 20. And now you won’t be a part of my memories nor those of your children ever again. I had to stop.

Most days looking at pictures of you makes me happy. But today it just made me feel the hole that your absence has left in my heart, mind, and soul more profoundly. Today looking at your face just reminds me that, while I’m still of this earth, I’ll never see you again. Today the weight of it all has knocked me down, like an elephant decided I’d make a nice cushion. Today the loss of your sparkle and glitter has made me feel like I’m lost in a scene from Oliver Twist and the dank and drab will swallow me up.

I go over the last month or so of your life. I go through the “what if”s or, more often, the “if only”s. I think about talking to you the day before you left this world. You spoke of how sick you were feeling and how tired of being sick were. Were you trying to tell me something else and I didn’t read between the lines? What if I had gone to you? What if you died without knowing how much you were loved? What if you didn’t know how proud I always was of you? If only I had understood all of the obstacles in your life that you were facing, seemingly, alone. If only I had said or done something differently. If only I had known that would be the last time we’d speak.

Today has been a hard day. One of the hardest in a while. I have not been able to write lately because I have not been able to hold a cohesive thought for longer than ten minutes. My thoughts bounce around like a Super Ball that you get out of a gum ball dispenser. Some days they spin around like a daredevil on a dirt bike in the Globe of Death. But today all I could think was if only…